Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Mom on Ambien

Here are some excerpts from the hour-long conversation Zach and I just had with mom after returning to Utah from California today (she's in Ohio).

Mom: Do you think dad will remember it is my birthday tomorrow?
Zach: Yes, he will remember.
Mom: Are you sure?
Me: Yes, he will remember.
Mom: Are you guys still driving?
Zach: No, we are at home watching Leverage.
Mom: Why didn't you tell me?
Me: He did. Half an hour ago. You need to go to sleep. Go to bed.
Mom: Well, what are YOU going to do?
Me: We are going to finish watching Leverage. Now count backwards from ten slowly.

Mom: 10.... 9...... 8........... 7.................

Me: Okay, goodnight.

(Long pause. No response.)

Zach: Goodnight.

(Longer pause. Still no response.)

Me and Zach: Bye.

We hung up my phone. About 15 seconds later we hear a *Ring ring* from Zach's phone.

Mom: Hey, why did you hang up on me?
Zach: We said we love you and goodnight. Twice.
Mom: Are you guys still driving?
Me: No, we are home, remember.

Me: Because it is your birthday, we are going to sing Happy Birthday to you!
(Zach and I sing happy birthday as loudly and obnoxiously as possible. Our exuberant performance is followed by... silence).
Zach: Did you hear that?
Mom: No.

Mom: Are you guys playing baseball?

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Agists

My birthday was exactly two weeks ago. I turned 27. It seemed like a good age to me, until:

Incident #1 - On a first date driving to the activity.


Boy: So you're in school?
Me: No.
Boy: Did you go to college?
Me: Yep. Graduated.
Boy: Seriously? How long ago?
Me: Two years ago.

(Pause. Boy looks confused.)

Me (for the sake of full disclosure): With a masters.
Boy: NO WAY!!! How old are you??? 24?
Me: Older.
Boy: 25?
Me: Older.
Boy: 26?!?
Me: Older.
Boy: 27?!?!?!
Me: Ding ding!
Boy: Oh well. (Look of resignation). At least you didn't say 30. I would have taken you home right now.

Incident #2 - At a party.

Boy: How old do you think I am?
Me: I don't know. Maybe 27?
Boy: What?!?! I can't believe you said that. Was it the forehead wrinkles? 27? I'm not old and creepy!

(Insert about one additional minute of "I can't believe you thought I was the ridiculous age of 27" rant).

Me: Well, how old do you think I am?
Boy: You went on a mission, so I guess... 22?
Me: 27.
Boy (turning pale): Oh...

Incident #3 - At the temple.

Temple Worker: Where's your husband, honey?
Me: Actually... I'm not married.
Temple Worker: Well, you couldn't have served a mission.
Me: Actually... I did.
Temple Worker: How long have you been home?
Me: A little over four years.

(Pause)

Temple Worker: You look like you're 14.


And just to illustrate the point, here is me on my 27th.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Disaster

Disaster. I was sometimes called by that name growing up, and things didn't change once I hit college and beyond. I have a gift for attracting minor catastrophes.

Examples:

-I had to wear an eye patch in fifth grade because a girl was playing with a stick and accidentally swung it into my eye.

-During my Junior year of high school, I was on a trip with 400 plus other people. Every single one of us were swimming in the ocean, and I was the only one stung by a Portuguese Man-of-War.

-During my Sophomore year at BYU, within the course of two days, I twisted my ankle while playing frisbee, was bitten by a poisonous spider and my arm swelled up to twice it's normal size, and was hit by a car who ran a red light while I was driving to a Greyhound bus station. The car was totaled. I still took the Greyhound to California to visit my grandpa, who I had only met a few times before. I arrived with a huge arm, black nose, and limp.

-Also sophomore year at BYU: My appendix burst while on a date, then the doctor tripped over the bed and fell on it after the operation.

-Junior year at BYU: I broke my finger while poking my brother.

-During my mission in Botswana, I was hit by a semi who ran a red light.

-Last summer in Havasupai, a rock fell on my toe, breaking it. The first doctor diagnosed it as gout.

-I was bitten by a crazy monkey in Ghana last summer. TWO hamburgers of mine were also stolen by monkeys in Botswana (no one else in the group of 12 experienced attempted burger robberies... and I was sitting at the table with my hamburger six inches away me!!!) Someone also let a monkey in my truck without telling me while I was away. It called someone on my cell phone.

-I currently cannot straighten my arm due to a fall while skiing.

My doctor in Iowa used to laugh every time she saw me at the office.

Embarrassing Moment of the Day

I received this text from my friend Adam in Connecticut tonight at 11:30pm.

"Sarah, I think you accidentally hit your phone because it called me during priesthood session tonight and when I didn't pick it up it went to voicemail. The really hilarious part is that you left a 20 minute long message..."

And this is what I was doing during Priesthood session.

1. Visiting my friend Julie.

2. Driving to Saratoga Springs for 40 minutes singing depressing love songs at the top of my lungs the ENTIRE way there.

Like this: (Cue high volume and emotion): "I've seen your flag on the MAAAR-ble ARCH but LOVE IS NOT A VICTORY MARCH, it's a COOOOLD and it's a BRO-OO-OO-KEN Hallelujah!!!" No joke.

Well, at least by the end of texting back and forth we were laughing and planning a roadtrip together. He said he'd bring Disney and I can bring the country.

And now... An April Fool's Day Message from Germany

On April first, I received a phone call from an unknown number. Here is how it went:

Ring ring!

Me: Hello?

Josh: Hi, this is Josh...

(Pause)

Me: Josh who?

Josh: Josh!

Me: Josh Hall? Brother Josh? Elder? You're not supposed to be calling me, you're on a mission and April Fool's Day is not a holiday you can call your family on and..."

Josh: Stop! Listen. I'm running out of money and I'm lost in Germany. Your number was the only one I could remember, just give me the home phone number!

Me: Okay (gave phone number)

Josh: Bye.



Five minutes later...

Ring ring!

Josh: They don't accept unsolicited calls! Give me dad's number.

Me: But aren't you supposed to be in Ukraine?

Josh: Stop! Just give me the number.

Me: But you don't speak any German!

Josh: The number! Now!

Me: (Gave number)

Click.


I then realized I didn't know if I had given him my dad's work or office number. So I called the number I hadn't given him and it was my dad's cell phone. Here's how it went.

Ring ring.

Me: Dad! Listen carefully. Josh is lost in Germany and he is about to call you on your work phone. If you get a call, PICK UP THE PHONE!

Dad: Hahaha.

Me: What?

Dad: April Fool's!

Me: No! I'm serious!!!


I tried for the next seven or so minutes trying to persuade him that I was not joking.

In his defense, I play a joke on them every year. He said he would be "certain to pick up the call from Zach" (thinking I had concocted a plan with my other brother to PRETEND to be Josh lost in Germany).

He had his first doubt when our call was interrupted by a call with no local i.d. on it. He hung up with me, and it was Josh. Stranded, alone, at a train station, not speaking a word of German, calling from a pay phone, losing money by the second, with very little money left. He had no phone numbers on him to call the Mission President or the Elders and didn't know where he was located even if he could reach them. He had just arrived that day to have a surgery, and then go back to Ukraine.

What happened is that he was accidentally left on a train in Germany. The two elders he was with and who are supposed to be watching out for him got off the train, thinking Josh was behind them, without realizing Josh was teaching a Russian speaking man on the train! By the time the two elders realized Josh wasn't with them the train had left the station.