Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Relocating to the Bottom of Provo Lake

I've finally found a genius solution to every college kid's money problems! For a small fee, I will provide the ideal living environment: cheap, quiet, and with great scenery. Let me explain.

Lloyd Godson, one of the most famous modern aquanauts, has emerged from his 8 by 10 foot underwater home after living there for 13 solid days. I thought, why not start a business to help struggling college students save some rent money? Plus, no more crazy roommates, all units are single! There's only enough oxygen for one person anyway...

So I'm starting my business plan. Anyone who wants a piece of the millions of dollars I'm going to make is welcome to join me.

Here are the materials needed, all of which we can get virtually for free!

1. Water (FREE!)

2. Algae (FREE + cheap labor from local high schoolers... hey if us Iowa kids can detassle corn, these Provo kids can gather algae.)

3. An old bike (FREE from the dumpster - plus dumpster diving makes a cool date)

4. Two tons of recycled steel

5. Machine to drag the two tons of steel from the dumpster to the lake
I'm sure we could find a nice used dump truck for no more than $28,000

5. Twenty-eight tons of concrete
Easy! Just need some rocks, sand, water, and bags of cement.

Here's how it worked for Godson and will work for us...
Stick the two ton steel box to the bottom of the lake with the 28 tons of concrete. Use the old bike to provide the energy to churn the tube that holds the container filled with algae and water that absorbs CO2 and produces O2 so the tenant can breathe. Biking is good exercise, too!

We could rent out one of these units for, say, $50 a month and make a handsome profit. Even if a mere 0.33% of BYU students decided on this housing option, we could still make approximately $5,000 per month, or $60,000 per year!

We may have to look into buying Utah Lake.

Some simple calculations show that for a mere $50 per month, students will only have to work two hours per week at a job paying $7.50 and still have $10 left at the end of the month! Although the tenant will be responsible for their own food, water, and waste disposal, I'm sure a net for catching crawdads or fish and a little chlorine to purify the lake water will do. No gas money to get to the store or purchasing of food necessary for said student. Much better than Dining Plus.

Relocating to the bottom of Provo Lake: The ultimate economic solution for starving students!

The truth - it is taking forever for PeopleSoft to crunch my queries and I have way too much down time at work today.

Friday, August 3, 2007

BS in Scouting Education

So today I found out this was a major. Why didn't I know about it back in 2001? I decided to drop out of grad school and pursue a degree in Scouting Education. Why? I'll tell you.

1. There's nothing like a solid, paid profession with compensation, benefits, and the opportunity for advancement without having to wear a skirt into the office... or even having to be in an office with Excel spreadsheets burning holes into my eyes.

2. I can finally utter the phrase, "One time, at scout camp" around my male friends and follow up with a real story.

3. I can go to International Pow-Wows in New Zealand.

4. I can take courses in campfire management, and integrate my expansive Marriott School knowledge while munching marshmallows, crispy golden on the outside and full of delicious goodness within.

5. I'd bushwhack anyway... might as well get paid for it.

6. Plenty of opportunities to get my eyebrows blown off by pyromaniac teenagers. No more painful plucking.

7. I can quote the Scout Law to my sons, emphasizing the word, "OBEDIENT."

8. I was never allowed to be a Boy Scout before but if they keep me out of the major I can sue for gender discrimination under Title VII and get rich quick.

9. Hanging out with 12 year old boys all the time will give me a false sense of maturity.

10. I will find out that WEBELOS are not some kind of rare woodsie creatures, but an acronymn for "WE'll BE LOyal Scouts." Then I can make up a nifty acronymn for my own troop, like "DONLIMYHAFR!!!" pronounced very quickly, meaning "DON't LIght MY HAir on FiRe".

Wouldn't this be a fun job? I really think so.